Something about a new heart….
By now i should have grown a new heart. I mean I left mine on a parking lot. It wasn’t supposed to have gone that way. It was just supposed to be a gesture to get her mind off everything that disappointed her. I still don’t know how I built up the courage to do something just a bit more direct. I still don’t know how i still ended up giving her back what she gave me after that last Sunday. My rule: I treat you how you treat me only one exception…. Her! And yet when the time finally came to test that I didn’t exempt her from that part of my personality. I’m only human right. I get mad too after being needlessly confused. And I still am because I should have grown a new heart by now. And without one I can’t fall in love with anyone else. It’s nothing to get over. She needs to destroy her good name with me or someone way better needs to come along. It’s not like I’m not looking and the bar isn’t very high or low either. I’m just stuck and for some reason I don’t mind… Makes me wonder if it’s true what they say: Does the heart really want what the heart wants. shit I used laugh about and not believe. But seriously though I’m gonna need a new one because hers doesn’t want me or mine…..
Passie tegenover praktisch
Ik zit met me voeten in het geluid en heb me handen in de ict. Zal ik vast pakken aan wat voor de hand ligt of duiken naar mijn bodem.
The good kind of paranoid…
Have you ever had a GOOD couple of days and know one really bad one is coming along. Because the last time you’ve had a good couple of days that one day just comes up and ends that streak of relaxation and no bullshit. Some people call that day Monday. But that’s not fair to Monday. It could be any day. Anyway its this dark cloud that hangs over my good times reminding me to have fun because it’s gonna rain soon. The point is to not worry about when that will happen. How you may ask? Well that’s what the having fun part is for.
The heart wants….
It’s been a while. Long enough to make all those feelings wither away. Enough time to make me find new eyes to get lost in. But no! I am physically unable to look at you for more than a min. Because I know it will al come rushing back. I will drown in your beauty again. I will be frozen in place if our eyes should meet again. Why can my mind but not my heart let go of Jou..
Reasonz: one regret
I would do it all over again. Everything. Every mistake and every good decision.
Except for you and what came after that. I would change only that if I could go back.
And still manage to end up on a parking lot to chase faith and not wait for it.
Because now. That is the only thing I miss and regret.
Reasonz: a helping heart
Because if given the chance? If i am called upon for help? I will do anything i can to come true! I mean its a above and beyond kind of thing. No matter what, when, where and definitely the history between US . I will try my hardest because that’s how strong it is.
At the bank today I was surprised yet again by a stranger who asked me questions that bordered at personal but where constructed in such a way that you cant help but answer them. Polite and sincere is the best way to describe this person who asked me why i moved from Apeldoorn to Amsterdam and Where i lived in Amsterdam A conversation started when this person noticed my initials where L.O.V.E. followed by the same questions i get every time. “really?” And “i bet they thought about that one?” This person Moved on to questions about my current not so great situation after noticing my balance and expressed a sincere and general concern for my well being.
Its a surprise for me because i cant make friends. they make me and the ones i had and the only best one i had knew me well enough to know: If i don’t talk…sumn wrong with me and not us. So ask me the questions you have concerning me and don’t draw your conclusions from answers you got from others. or did i have the wrong friends? find that part hard to believe.
title inacurate because it would suggest that i stopped.
i didnt. i tried to. but it would not work. TOO strong!
Perception of reality
I know what i mean!
I know what you mean!
I know what it all means!
To speak of blame!
To speak of shame!
To speak of but not to the one who cut his mane…
I know what i am to you because thats how you act.
Somebody who you treat with character. Because being polite is a part of you… fact!
So i dont think i’m missed at all but…
para decir te extraño sería un eufemismo. Pero para decirlo en español? es sólo para hacerte uhm… curious!
And thats the truth coming from the real world (since 1999)
Reasonz: tinkin baut yu
Because my brain gets tired of doing the wrong thing.
My heart is too strong for just a crush or a fling.
Everytime i write these things, i have lost to logic…. not thinking about you? I cant win!
Thats why its the real thing
Reasonz: job application
….and because i could not stand another little boy fucking up what to me seems like the greatest, most fun and easiest job in the world for any real man to have:
Loving you the right way
Nightmares: The Misunderstanding
Sitting on the couch watching TV playing footsie and pulling on the blankets trying to be more comfortable than the other. We both submit and you roll slightly closer, attracted to the warmth of my body. I pull you closer because, i can think you would feel better with an arm around you with a slight hug.
And then somehow? In a single motion we end up face to face. You attack and i kiss you right back. You pull back and say that wasn’t supposed to happen. But then say fuckit because you noticed that i already noticed you where into it. There is no going back so we go all the way in like puberty stricken teens too horny for there own good. And then….
and then i wake up with that impression of you slight weight on my chest like: Was that a dream or where you just there? i guess it feeling so real and the fact that this would never happen is what makes this a nightmare.
I cant do this i dont wanna wake up like this again having dreams about an old….