I would do it all over again. Everything. Every mistake and every good decision.

Except for you and what came after that. I would change only that if I could go back.

And still manage to end up on a parking lot to chase faith and not wait for it.

Because now. That is the only thing I miss and regret.

Because if given the chance? If i am called upon for help? I will do anything i can to come true! I mean its a above and beyond kind of thing. No matter what, when, where and definitely the history between US . I will try my hardest because that’s how strong it is.

At the bank today I was surprised yet again by a stranger who asked me questions that bordered at personal but where constructed in such a way that you cant help but answer them. Polite and sincere is the best way to describe this person who asked me why i moved from Apeldoorn to Amsterdam and Where i lived in Amsterdam  A conversation started when this person noticed my initials where L.O.V.E. followed by the same questions i get every time. “really?” And “i bet they thought about that one?” This person Moved on to questions about my current not so great situation after noticing my balance and expressed a sincere and general concern for my well being.

Its a surprise for me because i cant make friends. they make me and the ones i had and the only best one i had knew me well enough to know: If i don’t talk…sumn wrong with me and not us. So ask me the questions you have concerning me and don’t draw your conclusions from answers you got from others. or did i have the wrong friends? find that part hard to believe. 

title inacurate because it would suggest that i stopped.

i didnt. i tried to. but it would not work. TOO strong!

-the end-

I know!

I know what i mean!

I know what you mean!

I know what it all means!

To speak of blame!

To speak of shame!

To speak of but not to the one who cut his mane…

I know what i am to you because thats how you act.

Somebody who you treat with character. Because being polite is a part of you… fact!

I know!

So i dont think i’m missed at all but…

para decir te extraño sería un eufemismo. Pero para decirlo en español? es sólo para hacerte uhm… curious!

And thats the truth coming from the real world (since 1999)

Because my brain gets tired of doing the wrong thing.

My heart is too strong for just a crush or a fling.

Everytime i write these things, i have lost to logic…. not thinking about you? I cant win!

Thats why its the real thing

….and because i could not stand another little boy fucking up what to me seems like the greatest, most fun and easiest job in the world for any real man to have:

Loving you the right way

Sitting on the couch watching TV playing footsie and pulling on the blankets trying to be more comfortable than the other. We both submit and you roll slightly closer, attracted to the warmth of my body. I pull you closer because, i can think you would feel better with an arm around you with a slight hug.

And then somehow? In a single motion we end up face to face. You attack and i kiss you right back. You pull back and say that wasn’t supposed to happen. But then say fuckit because you noticed that i already noticed you where into it. There is no going back so we go all the way in like puberty stricken teens too horny for there own good. And then….

and then i wake up with that impression of you slight weight on my chest like: Was that a dream or where you just there? i guess it feeling so real and the fact that this would never happen is what makes this a nightmare.

I cant do this i dont wanna wake up like this again having dreams about an old….

I’ve wished it and meant it only once before. And here i am wishing it again.

To be invisible. To disappear. To be somewhere i cant me reached. A place i cant be seen. Just me and my thoughts.

Not because i don’t have any friends. Not because i have no love or a best friend.

Not because i don’t like my family.

Not because I’m no good to anyone anyway?

Just because, Its my day! I want this this year. And if that wont happen? it better be a DJ set in one of the worlds biggest most famous venues. Or even better than that, a long conversation with….. Her?

Maybe she would like to disappear for a day too. Although i hope she’s too happy to have a reason to….

Mad, disappointed and broken:

For a man it was the last woman

For a woman it was the last man

Each sentence is just as long. Meaning somehow they share the same pain. Because they ran out of patience and faith just the same.No hope in anything real any time soon or maybe never ever just the same.

He is, she is, they are done and both:

MAD DISAPPOINTED AND BROKEN!

But still to proud to notice that both hearts can be healed by each other  For the sake of what used to be or what could have been.

So proud they would rather stay:

Mad, disappointed and broken…

whether it be a poem or just a short. I try my hardest not to make it about me. Yet still half is about what i have seen, heard and felt in these past 27+/- years…. but i did pick this blog up AGAIN to write alot of stuff away. Not because nobody was listening but because the one you want to tell it all to wont.

Atleast that’s the impression….

#wishuwouldsetmestraight